99 boys that are queer on my balls, 99 boys that are queer…
Another Rap? You know it!
This one is by The Whiner
I’ve got a Champagne in my back/ Maybe a bottle of Cognac/ can straighten out Armagnac/ And there’s chardonnays of glass/ stuck inside my ass/ Today the Barbera cut me with his razor/ He was shaving my beer as a favor/ My Cristal ball didn’t prophesize this/ But Nostradamus didn’t have to philosophize pissed/ If I take a girl home it’s an Absolut fact/ I’m getting some Bacardi; I’m getting some Bac/ She’ll suck my Dry Sack/ I’ll get my face all up in that Busch/ I’ll get behind that Heineken and give it a push/ But then I’ll get Bordeaux when she starts the pillow talk/ I’ll call my Budweisers and we’ll go for a walk/ And I never paid a Michelob for pussy in my life/ I’m not a Patron of hookers; that shit is trife/ Settle down? Never/ I’m a Rolling Rock forever/ Because 4 year old rum equals 4 year old bum/ OH MY GOD JUST KIDDING I’m not a pedophile/ Undurraga wines are not my style/ There was a Steinlager on my shirt the other day/ But I got that Smirnoff somehow someway/ And don’t get it twisted, I don’t Mount Gay Rum / A Samuel Adams apple means DON’T ENTER BUM!
The Doog Raps!
Wassup y’all? I got a new rap yet again! This one is full of dog references.
The Doog’s what they collie me/ I offer no apologies/ I do it doggystyle, G/ The poodles suck my cocker spaniel/ You can’t handle this shih tzu/ I’ll walk right up to your face and lick you/ Y’all don’t know the difference between a donut and a beagle/ I’ll get on the phone to my boy Robert Smigel/ And you’ll all Rottweiler I’m steady trappin/ I Doberman pinscher that’s how I’m steady mackin/ Y’all blind as a sheepdog/ But I don’t sleep dog/ And anyone in my terrier might get eaten raw
If A Flower Could Rap…
Wassup! I gotta new rap for y’all. It’s what would happen if a flower could rap. He’s not a flower, he’s a flow-er! (one who flows). Can you pick out all the flower references in the song?
Yo I’m the motha flippin Flowist/ you’ll be pushin up daisies/ Because I poppy caps in asters, daily / I can’t lavender nobody, they all try to spray me/ With pesticides and herbicides, baby/ Call the psyche ward cause my limes are crazy/ Like Jesus when I died, I rose from the gravy / You better mustard up your strength if you tryin to face me
Never smoked a cigarette in my life but everytime I get off the phone with my mother I crave one.
I know what you mean my family makes me want to smoke even though cigarettes do nothing for me. They’re just fun to smoke and you can pretend you’re a rebel.
Letter to Church of Flying Spaghetti Monster
Dear Bobby,
Eye eye matey! I am the venerable flying spaghetti monster, and I have possessed the body of this small child in order to contact you. You are doing a wonderful job my son.
Keep fettucining the truth, and never mind those lasagna asses who claim your teachings to be farfalloni. They are all just fagotinnis, and they’ll drown in a cannelloni of fire. You know the U.S. government has been trying to cencioni me, why do you think I was kept a secret for so long? Be-couscous they are all worshipping this fantolioni idol, Jesusatoni. Not to worry, I will soon hold a torchio to their bucatinis. My next task for you is to translate my teachings into different linguines.
Yours truly,The Flying Spaghetti Monster
Look, if you’re going to throw me in jail, throw me in jail. But you can’t force me to stay up past midnight watching this stupid movie with you! I’ve already seen it anyway!
This Day In History! January 21, 2010
St. Agnes Day
1924: Vladimir Lenin dies.
1966: George Harrison and Pattie Boyd get married.
1969: George Harrison fined 100 pounds for assaulting a French photographer.
1971: John Lennon and Yoko Ono photographed for Rolling Stone cover.
2010: I give blood!
Stuff White People Like
I was inspired by the book/website Stuff White People Like, to write about my own observations of things that white people like. So…
1. Atmosphere
White people love Atmosphere. He’s from Minnesota, he dresses like a white person, and his raps are more self-insulting than egotistical. He gives white people everywhere the hope that they, too, could become a rapper.
While Atmosphere has a reputation for saying “significant”, “meaningful”, things (something white people value in a musician), I personally don’t understand 75 percent of what he says. However, if you profess to be an Atmosphere fan, and someone brings that up (which they won’t, because not liking Atmosphere is comparable to being a Republican), simply reply that his raps are “too deep for you.”
I have to admit, he’s got some pretty sick beats though.
